On my way

I weighed in last night, with a loss of 2.2 lbs. My holiday gains are gone, and I'm now at a new low of 204.8. I'm back on my way down the scale, feeling a little more prepared for the next holiday.

By prepared I don't just mean the tips and tricks of resisting the treats a holiday brings, but more importantly a little more prepared to resist the post-holiday "gah! I screwed up! I gained! I suck!" It's hard to work through that. It's hard not to fall into a defeatist attitude, and it's hard to pull yourself up out of the spiral down into the way you used to eat/move/think. Old, indulgent habits are a great comfort, and it's easy to feel complacent when you've already lost some weight or made exercise a habit. (And by "you" I mean "me", of course!)

The past few weeks have been a moment by moment endeavour. I made a lot of bad choices. A lot. I kept thinking "what are you doing? Why are doing this to yourself?" And then I kept on making crap choices anyway.

In the back of my head I kept believing that I was still on plan, though. I kept tracking, even when things got ugly. I kept thinking, "tomorrow I'll do better." Eventually I actually made myself do better! For me it's been a gradual weaning back to plan. I would say I am mostly back on plan. Actually, I think I am "mostly" on plan at the best of times.

It works for now anyway. I'm hoping to keep moving myself slowly, gradually to new and better health achievements. Hence the little snail up on my ticker.

It hasn't been a year for me yet in my weight loss. I didn't start until April 2, 2008 (for the record, it was a Wednesday, and I started in the afternoon after leaving my first WW meeting. Every moment is an opportunity to start fresh.) However, this Friday will be my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with a-fib, and that's something I have been thinking a lot about lately.

Health is far and away my biggest motivator. It's fun to fit into smaller clothes*, but I think about my health everyday. (*Of course, fun = good mental health!) I'm both fascinated and frightened by the way our bodies process and react to what we do to them. That physical and mental health are very much entwined, and that one disease can lead to another.

Obesity did not cause my a-fib, but it doesn't help it, either. Obesity was one of the causes of my high blood pressure, and high blood pressure can lead to a-fib. Combined with a-fib, my obesity increases my risk of developing other heart diseases.

I'm also motivated by health to try to stay fit because diagnosis and treatment of disease is pretty much educated guessing at best. I cannot tell you how many times my thyroid has been tested since January 9 last year. Every ER doctor and duty doctor I have seen, the cardiologists, my doctor, her locum, they've all had my thyroid tested at least once. Sometimes twice to check the first test. Wonky thyroid is often a cause of a-fib and they all felt that had to be the cause in my case, and they all felt they would be the one to find it. Nothing wrong with my thyroid.

I have my own theories, uneducated guessing if you will, but you know regardless as to what causes it, all I can do is all anyone can do: make my body and mind as fit as possible to fight whatever comes my way. Prevention truly is the best medicine.

And let me add, my mind is my biggest hurdle. I know that. It is my concrete cell and I have been tunneling my way out with a spoon for many years already. My anxiety and fears keep me prisoner, and I'm sure the stresses they cause have damaged my body in more ways than I know.

All I can do is keep going, and try to keep up with the snail.